flapjack eyes

(no subject)

i'm not sure how to tell people that the person i can't stop thinking about is a girl, not a boy.

edit: you know what's sad? nearly every single post i've made has been related to someone i'm "interested" in. there really isn't much more to me....
i guess i'll make an real-ish post.

i applied for the education department at my school. i hear back in a few months whether or not i got in, and if i do then i have to have an interview. which will be fun because i don't know if i'll want to pretend to be all goody and wholesome, just like everyone else that applied this year. i might just be real (but obviously not be all "YEAAAAAH FUCK SHIT UP") because i don't want to be expected to act like a clone for the next 4 years...

i've been playing roller derby for a few months now and it's one of the best things that's ever happened to me. i'm not on a team yet (for our league you have to be 21, then drafted on a team once you've made fresh meat) but i skate "recreationally". it's so different than tennis.
don't get me wrong, i played tennis for 5 years and (at the time) it was one of the most important things to me. i loved the people and being on the court for hours at a time... but that really quickly went downhill and pretty soon i just hated it. the people felt fake and pretentious and i hated the way my body looked and the way i looked. towards the end of it i just felt like i was thrown off to the side and the coaches didn't really care anymore. i quit tennis in march of 2009.
every since i started playing derby though, i've just felt... well idk how else to say it but i've just felt bad ass.
everyone in the league is so nice and so caring and they want you to be good.
it may be too early to say this, but roller derby saved my soul.
flapjack eyes

(no subject)

i just like to brag about what i got.
CHRISTMAS!

-duct tape! lol i asked for some for my skates so they won't wear down. i got green, orange, turquoise, purple and purple plaid!
-NCIS season 6 on dvd (i only have season 1 lol, but i wanted s6)
-Percy Jackson demigod files book
-Percy Jackson Camp Halfblood tshirt!
-Marc by Marc Jacobs earrings from shannon :)
-a lot of socks
-an XOXO wallet from my mom (which was random since i just bought a wallet)
-glee2 soundtrack
-penguin PJ pants
-band hero!
-MEAT LOAF LIVE WITH THE MELBOURNE SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA DVD/CD. i've been looking for this for MONTHS
-kash monet (that's slang for cash money)

an excellent haul this year! i love getting actual things as opposed to just gift cards and money.
WHAT DID YOU GET??

edit: oh! and i got harry potter 1-6 on blu ray! and a blu ray player! except the player isn't mine, it's for everyone obv. lol
but i already have HP 1-4 on dvd so mom says to return it, buy 5 and 6 on blu ray and other blu ray movies
flapjack eyes

(no subject)

I'm just posting to announce my new obsession in life.
PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS. It's a wonderful book about a boy who lives in NY and he's the son of Poseidon.
The series is by Rick Riordan and the movie is coming out in February.


and Logan Lerman, this GQ motherfucker is playing Percy

UNF.
flapjack eyes

(no subject)

i kind of hate the fact that i'm capable of emotions. i think that things would be so much easier if i didn't really have to feel things.
flapjack eyes

tl;dr

it seems as if i only ever post when something goes horribly wrong in my life, but this time i think i really do need to get something off my chest?

so this past week i've been working at camp at the humane society, and the people i work with i consider to be my second family. i'm truly grateful for all of them and they mean so much to me.
so this week, there was a boy there who was a counselor, and i met him a few weeks ago when he came for training. now on monday he started kind of flirting with me, and i thought he was pretty cute (even though he is 4 years younger than me D=)
anyway, i've been returning the emotions and he was always like.. touchy feely with me, always pretending to trip me, asking me to go sit by him, touching my back a lot and we talked a lot. then today, the last day of camp, he gives me his number, i give him mine.
now you see, during the week my friend (we'll just call her R), knew how i felt about it becuase she was the first person I told about it. And i was super scared of my feelings becuase he's so much younger than me, but she said stuff like "Don't worry! Age is just a number", being super supportive and stuff and even saying like "I was watching him today and when you were talking to people he would always look at you" so naturally I figured she was behind me liking him 100%

so then after camp, i'm talking with some of my friends and one of them goes "I think he likes R!" and i kind of laughed it off and just as a joke we went and asked him if he did and he said "as a friend i do" and i didn't say anything becuase I had assumed that he liked me. When we told R about this she had this horrified look on her face and said "I don't like him at all!!"

2 hours later, he texts me and says "What's R's phone number?" and I text him with it and say "now everyone does think you like her" to which he texts back "yeah, fyi i think she's pretty hot"
now of course i was like... kind of confused. but let it slide. then i couldn't get it off my mind and texted him and asked "so does this mean you like her now?" and he says "yes."
then R texts me and says "hey, i've been texting him and I think i like him. Sorry. Is that ok?"

I have never been more confused, hurt, taken aback in my life. She's the sweetest, kindest person I know and while she did say the whole "our friendship means more to me than any guy" I just don't understand... Where did this come from?? I feel like they're pulling a horrible prank on me.

Fast forward to me at home. Now in the past few... months. I've been feeling pretty down. I battled "depression" for a while in high school and it's come back on and off in the past year. I was doing fine when all of the sudden I realize that i'm sobbing my eyes out and I just can't stop it. It seems so trivial that some stupid thing about a guy would set me off but I just couldn't stop, which then led to some self inflicted wounds that I didn't want to happen, but did.
I eventually had enough and went to my parents sobbing, saying "I can't do this anymore"

I'm not sure what the point of this post is. I'm not sure why I let myself open to people when I get hurt by them so many times. I'm just sick and tired of everything, always letting things like boys and my own self image bring me down. I hate it but I can't change it.
I still feel like I'm having some terrible nightmare and I just want it to end.
flapjack eyes

(no subject)

wow i sure don't post a lot....
I'm in taiwan right now for my cousins wedding... it was this past weekend actually. it was fun.


ANYWAY THE REAL REASON WHY I'M POSTING AN ENTRY
I GOT A PETITE BLYTHE DOLL!!
It was very exciting, I saw a bunch of them in some stores since I've been here and I've longed for one and just stood in the store window and stared
and then today I was walking around with my mom after we had lunch with someone and I saw this girl with a Blythe doll! and she was taking a picture of it and I was like "MOM LOOK THAT'S THE KIND OF DOLL I WANT"
so we went over to the store and I bought one!

Her name is Lily Wild and she's part of the Denizens of the Lake series. I got a petite Blythe doll becuase I figured that it was slightly impractical to get a Neo Blythe doll. Plus the one I wanted was around $150... so that was a no go.

Here's her picture!


isn't she adorable!

I'm contemplating buying a friend for her... :)
we'll see how much money I've got at the end of my trip lol... I've already spent so much on clothes and whatnot D=

but really it's justifiable, you can't buy these back home... the lady in the store was saying that the other week she had some americans come in the store and buy 5 blythe dolls at a time! oh to have that sort of money...
I seem to covet so many things here.
OH AND I WENT TO THE DEPARTMENT STORE TODAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT STORES I WENT INTO?? LET ME LIST
marc jacobs
mar by marc jacobs
marni
jean-paul gaultier
balenciaga (actually I was too scared to go in, but I stood in the window and stared)
mulberry
y-3
maison martin margiela
it was so depressing, I couldn't afford anything. jean-paul gaultier even had a 50% off rack but I didn't dare look at the price and tempt myself... the salesman was so nice too.

ok well i've spammed your pages enough
see you in another few months for a post lol
flapjack eyes

(no subject)

ok so. obviously it's a new year. happy new year to you all.

now the majority of you guys have seen me go through guys i like michael jackson goes through sequined gloves. but the thing is that i just like the guys, nothing ever comes from it.
i like the guys. they don't like me back. i eventually stop liking them. end of story.
I've just done the same thing everytime, I don't really do anything about it. and OBVIOUSLY this approach is not working for me at all.
so I'm wondering... I should probably change the way I go about things. There's this boy I like now who I've known for a pretty long time now, but we've only recently become pretty good friends.
DILEMMA DILEMMA. idk what to do. i never know what to do. I don't get to talk to him much because I don't really see him (he's in high school =/ BIG SURPRISE)
baaaah. this is just kind of me ranting.

a question i've been thinking about for the past few days: do you think someone who is racist can still act kindly/be tolerant of people who are of the race they are racist towards (lol run on sentence)?
i was taught that racism is the act of thinking that your race is superior/better than anothers. obviously there are a lot of racists that do bad things to the people of other races. but do you think it's possible for a racist to just be... idk. condescending? or maybe even just... preachy? towards those of a "lower" race?
i have a lot of free time.

and if you are done reading this and saying "Well aileen, this really was a waste of my time, you didn't have anything worthwhile to say!" then i leave you with this



it made me cry the first time i saw it (but a good happy cry, i promise no one/nothing dies)

danke.